• Get Your Own Hangover In 5 Simple Steps

    by  •  • Life Skills, London

    London SmithfieldA catch up with some of my London-based school chums was long overdue.

    So I thought it best to risk ruining what would have been a nice, quiet evening for three people by turning it into some impromptu birthday drinks… For me.

    And now that I work in town, what better place to meet up than somewhere that is an easy two block walk… For me?

    Here are a few tips if you want to turn your own evening into a “3 aspirin morning” like I did.

    1) Make sure it’s hot

    Both inside and outside the bar. In fact, be sure to schedule something in the middle of London where there is minimal outdoor space on a day that is threatening to be the hottest of the year so far.

    Also, be sure to dress inappropriately. Make sure you are wearing a thick blazer.

    The extreme temperature will serve to increase your rate of dehydration as you consume a huge amount of a toxin that would dehydrate you if you were drinking it in the rain.

    2) Mix your drinks

    If you work near your planned ‘hangover venue’, then you get there early enough to start on beer while the sun is shining in the sky.

    Quickly move onto red and white wine, stopping only to have a large dirty martini as an apertif.

    Then, because it is your birthday, be sure to have some champagne after dinner.
    Anne and moderation

    Then more wine and beer.

    If you are Anne, also order a dessert with a shot of vodka. This is her with her dessert and apertif.

    If you are me, order a dessert that is basically just a shot of frangelico and some ice cream. (I really do recommend the affogato.)

    3) Eat food that dehydrates you

    Start with bread, then have something satay-based as an entree… Then go with steak frites. Try and keep to one small glass of water throughout this meal… Despite the fact that the table is covered in jugs of water:

    I took this video because we were a table of Antipodeans (with one Brit and one Italian) and the band ended up playing some fairly visceral tastes of home. Including 30 years of Crowded House, ‘Land Down Under’ and… Weirdly… Some semi-acoustic early Green Day.

    Actually, they were really good.

    But you can also see that there is a giant jug of cool, refreshing water right in front of me.

    4) Stay in the bar for 6 hours

    Even though we ended up with easily the rudest service I have had in my life from the restaurant manager (I got the owner’s number to complain when I was sober), be sure to stick around for at least six hours.

    Move from some couches in the bar, to the restaurant… Back to the couches… And then stand in the street for the last drink or so. (Good god, it was hot.)

    5) Continue drinking when you get home

    Here’s Gordon’s super-duper secret for turning that drunken night into a ’3 aspirin morning’.

    Get home and recount the entire evening to anyone who is awake in the house, while you have another glass of red wine. (“Really? in this heat?”)

    Once everyone else has gone to bed, mix a few vodkas with whatever mixer you can find in the fridge. In this case it was flat, supermarket brand diet lemonade. Drink these while sitting in your yard because it’s clearly too hot to be inside but not too hot to stop drinking for even a single second.

    Stagger into bed at three. Make sure you still have your winter duvet because you will want to rug up nice and warm. Rest your incredibly hot laptop on your chest and try and watch a few YouTube videos before realising you can’t really see.

    Then hit the hay.

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