Let me tell you why I’m much more likely to live than you -and it’s not because I clearly deserve it more.

No!

It’s because of this zeitgeist souvenir:

Naturally, I’m going to save it up for an illness that is far less fictional than swine flu but still… Exciting. Dad and I were saying last night that having your own Tamiflu is the modern day equivalent of having a bomb shelter in the sixties; a silly rip-off that will afford very little protection against something that is extremely unlikely to affect you.

They came round last night and I cooked coq au riesling and eton mess. Both a la Nigella. It’s been quite some time since I cooked for them. In fact when I did, we lived here. You can see our old Prius on the streetview.

Yes, the parents are in town. My other gifts included a small wooden kangaroo for some reason and a really nice watch that’s one of those battery-free ones that you charge by furiously masturbating. (Is there any other kind of masturbation beside furious?)

They’re only here for a few days before they become James’s problem in Bristol as they are going crop circle chasing in the South West. Yes, my parents are Tamiflu-toting crop-circle afficionados.

I think that’s why I turned out so stable and bland.